


The Chirpbeasts and the Bees

by BlueMinuet



Series: Trolls Know Nuthin’ ‘Bout Babies [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, exclaimations of horror while watching youtube videos, mentions of Birth, trolls don't know where babies come from
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-18
Updated: 2013-01-18
Packaged: 2017-11-26 00:16:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/644472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueMinuet/pseuds/BlueMinuet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to “The Facts of Life.”<br/>Trolls don’t know where babies come from. But one way or another, they’re going to find out.<br/>In which Karkat’s curiosity dooms them all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Chirpbeasts and the Bees

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn’t help but do a sequel. The idea was too infectious. I might continue this series, if only because I like torturing Karkat.

**> Be Karkat Vantas**

You walk into the Grub Stop, a restaurant that serves exclusively Alternian food. It’s the one of the only ones in the area, so a lot of your friends come here often. And since Alternian food isn’t very palatable to non-trolls, most of your human friends avoid this place like the plague. It’s actually kind of nice to have a place just for trolls, where everyone can just speak Alternian without worrying about translating or being rude to any humans who are left out of the conversation.

You grab your food, and sit down at a table where Terezi and Kanaya are already chatting about something. Actually, Terezi is talking, and Kanaya seems to be ignoring her. 

“So, then the guy just whimpers and says, ‘Should… should I have gotten a bucket?’”

Terezi is laughing maniacally, but Kanaya just frowns, seeming to be less amused by this punch line. 

“What the fuck are you two talking about?” you ask.

“Just some human guy from work,” Terezi says, waving a hand flippantly. “What’s up, Karkat?” 

“Not much,” you say with a shrug. You bite your grub loaf to find it’s a bit too dry. You reach for the sauce. 

“Please, Karkat,” Kanaya says. “Please have something to talk about. I don’t want to hear about any more of Terezi’s tales of mentally scarring human lawyers. No offence, of course.”

Terezi shrugs. “I do have a lot of those stories. Guess it gets monotonous after a while.” 

“There was one thing I wanted to ask you, Kanaya,” you say, a bit hesitantly. You weren’t sure you were going to bring this up. 

“Yes?” she says. 

“Well… do you know much about human biology?” you ask. 

She tilts her head to the side, in confusion. “Not very much. Why?”

“Well, this is stupid, but… you’ve seen Jade, right? How she’s… what’s the human word? Pregnant.” The English word slips out of your mouth, out of place with the Alternian. 

Kanaya nods, and Terezi snickers. 

“She’s been infested with Dave’s grub parasites,” Terezi snickers. 

“If you’re wondering about human reproduction, you’re most likely better off asking a human. Like Jade herself, for instance,” Kanaya says. 

You nod. “I did talk to her about it. She explained a lot, and it all seems really weird. But there was just one thing… she wouldn’t tell me how the grub… or, uh, baby, I guess… gets out at the end.” 

Kanaya nods. “To be honest, I asked Rose the same thing.” 

“You did?” 

“Yes,” Kanaya said. “As I’ve seen Jade get larger, I had wondered about it myself. In caring for the mothergrub, I have seen that troll eggs are quite small. But human babies appear to be rather large in comparison. So, I was curious about the… mechanics involved.”

“So, what did Rose tell you?”

Kanaya shrugged. “She wouldn’t tell me either. She suggested that the knowledge should be kept on a ‘need to know’ basis.”

“That’s really weird,” you say, scrunching your eyebrows. “Why won’t the humans tell us?” 

“I assumed that it was simply a delicate subject, so I decided not to pry,” Kanaya says. 

Terezi begins to giggle. “You two really don’t know? Come on, it’s obvious.” 

You glare at her. “Yeah, like you know.”

“But I do know,” Terezi says. “I rented a movie—a human movie—and it revealed to my nose and taste buds the horrifying truth.” 

You frown. “Okay, fine. What happens then?”

“When the grub is ready, it bursts its way out,” she says, matter-of-factly. She accompanies her statement with a hand gesture, like something is exploding out of her chest.

Your eyes widen a bit. “That’s stupid.”

“But true,” Terezi says. 

“I find that highly unlikely,” Kanaya says. “Such an action would harm Jade, wouldn’t it?”

“Yes,” Terezi says. “It’s very bloody and messy, and the human dies.”

“Now I know you’re lying,” you say. “There’s no way Jade is doing this if it’s going to kill her.” 

“Yes, humans seem very happy about the occurrence of pregnancy. It certainly isn’t treated as if it will cause death,” Kanaya says. 

“That’s because humans are weird,” Terezi says. “Think about it. They’ve been conditioned all their lives to know that their reproduction depends on the sacrifice of their life. It’s for the good of their genes and their species. So, of course Jade is happy, because she’s been conditioned that this is a good thing, even though it will kill her.” 

You and Kanaya share a look of concern that Terezi might know what she’s talking about.

“It might explain Dave’s initial reaction of fear,” Kanaya says. 

Terezi cackles at that, and have to stifle a laugh yourself. The video of Dave’s freak-out—followed shortly thereafter by fainting—has become near-legendary among your friends, and to this day, he still hasn’t figured out that it was you that posted it to youtube. 

“Still, that can’t be,” you growl. “That would be too stupid, even for humans. The human has to live afterwards.”

Terezi shakes her head. “No, Karkat. The grub bursts out through the chest. There’s no way anyone could survive that.”

“The… chest?” Kanaya asks, dumbfounded. 

“Wait. Are you talking about the movie _Alien_?” you ask. 

Terezi nods. 

“You nook-sniffer! That movie isn’t real.” 

“Yes, it is!”

“No, it’s not! It’s a stupid human movie about aliens!”

“So, what? Humans are aliens,” Terezi says, pouting. 

You jab your palm into your forehead. “But the aliens in _Alien_ aren’t real. It’s all fake. Besides, the guy who has his chest burst open is a male human.”

“So?” Terezi asks. 

“So, only human females have the baby sack,” you explain. 

“That’s a thing? What even is that?” Terezi asks. 

Kanaya looks at you with interest. 

“Jade explained it to me,” you say. “Human grubs… or, well, babies, grow in special part inside the females. I forget what she called it, but it’s like a baby sack. And only human females have baby sacks. Human males can’t get pregnant.” 

Terezi pouts a bit. “Oh… so, you can’t get John human pregnant?”

You blush a little. “What? You wanted to see his chest explode?”

Kanaya shushes both of you. “No more talk of chest explosions. That’s obviously not real. Besides, humans are mammals, and though I know very little about mammals, even the ones that were native to Alternia, I do believe I have heard of such animals having more than one litter of offspring. So, I think it is unlikely that the process would involve the death of the mother.” 

“Hey, that’s right. Wouldn’t all mammals work basically the same?” you ask.

Kanaya nods. “I assume so.”

“So, we need someone that knows something about mammals.” You look around the restaurant, and notice someone that might be able to help. “Hey, Zahhak.” 

Equius looks over at the three of you. 

“Hey,” you shout at him. “Get over here. We have a question.” 

“You think Equius will know?” Terezi whispers to you.

You shrug. 

Equius sits down next to you. “What is it?” 

“You know a lot about hoofbeasts, right?” you ask. 

He nods, scowling a bit. 

“Aren’t they mammals? Just like humans?” 

He nods again. “Yes, I believe so. Why?” 

You, Terezi, and Kanaya share a look before you continue. “Well, the three of us were having a discussion about… human biology and… none of us know anything about mammals.”

Equius starts to sweat a little. “Oh, I… I would have thought the three of you would know more about human biology than me. After all…” 

“Yeah, yeah. We sleep with humans,” Terezi says. “Let’s get to the point. We’re talking about human grubs here, and how they get out of the mother. I keep telling them that it explodes violently out of the chest.”

“Uhh…” Equius just seems confused. 

“Look, we were wondering if you knew how it works with hoofbeasts,” you step in. “Since, humans and hoofbeasts might be the same, since they’re mammals.” 

“Oh,” he says. “Well, I am not really sure. I don’t really go out of my way to find out about… hoofbeast reproduction.”

The three of you all give him a look. You’re sure it’s the same look. The cold stare of disbelief. 

“Well, not that part of hoofbeast reproduction,” he says, sweating harder. 

“Damn,” you mutter. 

“We could always look it up on the internet,” Kanaya suggests. 

“Sounds boring,” Terezi says. “Besides, the internet lies. You know what never lies though? TV.”

“TV?” Kanaya asks. “I’m not sure that’s wise.”

Terezi shrugs. “There’s a channel called National Geographic that has stuff about all sorts of animals. It’s bound to show up some time. Oh, yeah! Today they’re supposed to have a special on hyenas.” 

“Why do you know that?” you ask. 

“Because Earth hyenas are awesome,” she says, as if it were obvious. 

Equius gulped. “Are you sure that it would be the same process with humans and any Earth animal? They all seem quite different.” 

“Of course it’ll work the same,” Terezi says. “Because they’re both from Earth. And humans are awesome. And hyenas are awesome. So there.” She stands up. “I’m gonna go home. If you need me, I’ll be licking my television, and smelling the sweet scent of truth.” 

Terezi walks away, triumphant. Meanwhile, Kanaya has been typing something into her phone. 

“Oh, here’s a youtube video,” Kanaya says. “That should answer our questions.” 

You and Equius move to her side of the table and lean over her shoulder to look. 

“Why is it making you sign in?” you ask. 

“Apparently the video is marked as graphic,” she says. 

“That seems odd,” Equius says, and you find yourself agreeing. “Is it not a normal practice?”

“One would assume it is,” Kanaya says. 

The three of you hunch over Kanaya’s phone as the video plays. 

“Wait, what’s going on?”

“She’s just lying there.” 

“Wait, now she’s screaming?”

“Why is she screaming?” 

“She appears to be trying to injure her matesprit.” 

“She’s still screaming.” 

“Wait… Is she bleeding now?”

“Oh, god. That’s blood.”

“That is… a lot of blood.” 

“Is that her blood? Or… or the grub’s blood?”

“Oh! Oh my God! What the fuck is that?” 

“There’s… a bulge?”

“I believe it is the grub’s head.” 

“She’s screaming again.”

“She appears to be damaging her matesprit quite badly.” 

“I’d hurt him too if he infested me with that thing!” 

“Did that other human say that she is doing well?”

“What the fuck? All of that screaming, and this is doing WELL?”

“I would hate to see this process going badly.” 

“Look at her face. She’s in agony!” 

“Look! Look! She got the head out!”

“What the fuck?! All that work just for the head?! She still has to get the rest of it out?!” 

“She… she seems to feel the same way.” 

“Oh my…”

“Oh no…”

“Jegus, what the hell?”

“I… I don’t understand how that is fitting through...”

“This is… truly disgusting.” 

“She’s screaming even louder now.”

“Oh my, god. Terezi was right. She’s going to die!”

“Oh no…”

“Why? Oh, just… why?”

“Oh god, this is how Jade is going to die.”

“It… it’s out!”

“She’s still alive?!”

“Why’s she happy now?”

“Why isn’t she killing her mate for the torture he’s put her through?” 

“How is she still alive?!”

* * *

 

**> Be Jade Harley-Strider**

You smile as Dave walks through the door. He’s doing a rather impressive juggling act of carrying groceries, fumbling with his keys and the doorknob, as well as holding his phone to his ear. You decide not to get up and help him, because it’s funnier this way. 

“Seriously, you guys have got to be more careful on the internet,” he says to whoever he’s talking to. “Someone could send you something seriously fucked up. Someone with an amazing sense of humor, like me.”

He closes the door with his foot and does his best to wave at you. He walks past the couch into the kitchen, where you can still hear his half of the conversation. 

“No, I’m not saying the video was fake… Yes, the video was probably real… Yes, even the blood.” 

That peaks your attention. What the hell is he talking about? 

“No, nobody dies. Unless Jade decides to kill me. That could happen. I don’t see you getting all concerned about my wellbeing.”

The groceries tumble out of his arms and onto the kitchen counter. He takes of his shades, and you can see a bit of exasperation on his face. 

“I promise, I’m not lying to you. Jade will not die. No one will die. Will you quit hyperventilating and bother John or Rose about it or something?”

What was that about you dying?

“Hey! You’re jumping to conclusions here. This was all Jade’s idea.”

You cock your head at him, shooting him a confused look. 

“Now my wife is mad at me, because she’s overhearing this conversation. You’re ruining my marriage, Vantas.” 

So, he’s talking to Karkat. That explains nothing. 

“No, I won’t let you talk to Jade. She’s just going to tell you the same thing I told you. Now, bye Vantas. Bye Kanaya, say hi to my paradox sister for me. And someone take all these mad facts I’ve laid on you and pass them on to Nep so that she can convince Zahhak to stop shuddering in the corner.” 

Your confusion meter is now maxed. 

“No, Vantas. Goodbye.” With that, he takes the phone and jabs the end call button with a vengeance. He starts shoving the groceries into their various places. 

“Where’s my ice cream?” you jokingly demand. 

He grabs a spoon and a pint of ice cream from one of the grocery bags. He walks over to stand in front of you were he kneels, presenting the two items to you. 

“They didn’t have the flavor you asked for. I bought one I thought you’d like. I await my punishment.” 

You laugh, grabbing the ice cream. “I think I’ll let you live. What was that conversation about?”

He rolls his eyes, a gesture you can only appreciate since he left his glasses off. “Three dumbass trolls wanted to know where babies came from, so they asked youtube.”

“Oh no,” you sigh. “I told Karkat that he didn’t want to know.” 

“Well, apparently Rose told Kanaya the same thing and I guess they thought it was some kind of massive conspiracy,” Dave says. “I’m still not really clear how Zahhak got roped into this, but they all looked it up on the internet and got scared shitless. I think Karkat was actually crying when they decided to call me.”

You laugh. “That’s actually kind of sweet.”

“If you say so,” Dave mutters. Before he can go on, his phone rings. 

“Jegus,” he swears. “It’s Terezi. Probably more of this bullshit. I’ll put her on speaker.”

He pushes the button. You can hear sobbing quite clearly from the other side of the line. 

“Dave. Dave. Oh gog, Dave, why? Why would you do that to Jade? Her bulge will be ruined forever.”

You and Dave share the same confused look. 

“What?!”

**Author's Note:**

> If you don’t know how hyenas give birth, you probably shouldn’t look it up on youtube...


End file.
